How about this one? i thought this was a good essay but IDK?

It has some good comparisons but seems to be poorly organized. A good essay has an introductory paragraph that states the thesis. Next you should have three or more paragraphs explaining and supporting that thesis. Finally you need a conclusion that restates the thesis and wraps it all up. Do a rewrite in the proper form. As a rough draft, you did well in getting your ideas down on paper. Now all you have to do is the editing and formatting.